Her følger en gennemgang af de vigtigste værktøj man bør have, på Engelsk da
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Some members are having issues with their bikes when they work on them. The
following may help explain some of the finer points of motorcycle mechanics:
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, and often found alongside
the sickle in the club banners of countries with firm ideas on government,
the hammer is now used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts
right beside the object you are trying to hit.
STANLEY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of the cardboard
carton delivered, at great expense, to your workshop; works particularly
well on boxes containing fairing panels and a lone bottle of battery acid.
ELECTRIC DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel pop rivets in their holes
until the Stupidity Police come to take you away; it also works great for
drilling mounting holes in custom fenders and through the new $300 rear
tire.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads and crush irreplaceable wiring loom
connectors.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion,
and the more you attempt to influence its course the more
erratic your destiny.
VICE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they
can also be used to assist in arc-welding your metal
watch band to the rear subframe.
OXY TORCH: Used almost entirely for finding various flammable objects in
your garage. Also handy for firing off the two remaining explosive atoms
left in that holed fuel tank you've been soaking in water for six months.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British motorcycles, they
are now used mainly for impersonating that metric socket you've been
searching for over the last two hours. The socket you actually wanted will
appear the moment you've rounded off the bolt.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching that flat
metal bar out of the bloody mess that was your hand so that it smacks you in
the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that
freshly painted part you were drying.
WIRE BENCH WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them through the
workbench with the speed of light. Also removes
fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it
takes you to say, "Fuuu...!"
HYDRAULIC JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have
installed your new front disk pads, trapping the jack handle firmly between
the (now)dented custom fender and the (now) cracked alloy wheel.
2X4 TIMBER: Used for trying to lever a motorcycle off an hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: A tool for renewing your medical insurance and then calling your
neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic jack.
GASKET SCRAPER: Useful as a breakfast tool for spreading butter on toast;
and for getting dog $hit off your boot. Does not require washing.
BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten
times harder than any known drill bit. Always two sizes larger than the
label says.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating burred screws and
the futility of ever getting the timing anywhere near
factory specs. Useful for sticking in your mouth late at night and
permanently traumatizing any small child that mistakenly wanders into the
workshop.
ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of the battery
cables and oil lines you have forgotten to disconnect.
VERNIER CALIPER: A delicate and expensive levering tool that inexplicably
always perfectly fits the minuscule gap between the
engine cases and the barrels you're trying to remove.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from
a bike battery to the inside of your toolbox, and down the inner thigh of
your new jeans, after determining that your battery is as dead as you
thought it was.
METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes (and accurately)
called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine
vitamin", which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health
benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume light bulbs at about the same
rate that incendiary bombs might be used during, say, the first few hours of
territorial negotiations in Yugoslavia. Also useful for hooking up your
kickstand directly to the national power grid.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab through the foil seal of brake
fluid containers and splash the contents liberally across your
freshly-painted fuel tank; can also be used, as the name implies, to round
off Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power
plant 200 mi away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose
to an impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened years ago by
a zealous robot and rounds them off.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crush the $150 exotic composite surround for that
clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 10 cent washer.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses a half inch too short.
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