Din advokat er din ligemand? Selvfølgelig ikke.
"Alle er lige", siger vi tossegode 68'er blomsterbarn-hippier
MEN ADVOKATEN ER DIN UNDERORDNEDE - du betaler jo hans løn, og det er dig,
der dømmes, hæfter for din underskrift osv
Mange har slavenatur og ønsker ansvarsfritagelse, når de går til advokat
eller læge.
Dem om det.
"Let no one suppose that the words doctor and patient can disguise from the
parties,
the fact that they are employer and employee." George Bernard Shaw
Den moderne advokat er ikke hovski-snovski, men tackler sig som ligemand,
uden arrogance.
Selv hvis du tjener mere end ham, eller har finere uddannelse, så er han dog
en travl og respekteret person, og man slider på hans kontors sekretær-stab
m.m., så man er ikke ligemand, men må forvente at hans tid er dyrere end
din, og han ringer ikke tilbage så hurtigt som du måtte ønske.
"It is worse than dog eat dog, it is dog does not return other dog's phone
calls". WOODY ALLEN
VIGTIGST ER AT IKKE ENHVER CAND.JUR ER DYGTIG OG ELITE-SMAGFULD NOK TIL AT
NÅ ADVOKATBESTALLINGEN OG ISÆR AT NÅ EN RESPEKTERET , INDBRINGENDE PRAKSIS
"Magt kommer let til retstitler, men retstitler ikke så let til magt.
Machiavelli(1459-1527)
Glistrup var landets bedst indtjenende advokat, da han blev berømt for sin
overlegne service til sine klienter - og straks forte Advokat(fag)foreningen
krig mod ham, fordi han i medierne afslørede standens ufine kneb.
" I dette fordærvede samfund er advokatstanden privilegeret. Det er et af
dette samfunds store dumheder. Advokater tjener tykt på næsten intet
produktivt at bestille". Glistrup
De har dog lært meget godt og kopieret hans etik - fx risikerer man ikke
idag at advokaten skummer fløden af penge på din konto, som advokaten
forvalter. Nu har advokaterne en fælles godt-forrentet klient-konto , og kun
klienten nyder godt af renter der tilskrives mens sagen kører.
ADVOKAT-VITSER:
Gud bad sin nabo Djævelen om at få ordnet sin side af plankeværket, som var
i forfald
Uden held.
Så truede Gud med at anlægge sag
"Ha, hvor vil du finde en sagfører"
Sagføreren skændtes med en kirurg og en ingeniør om hvis profession der var
ældst.
"Gud skar et ribben ud af Adam og skabte derved kvinden" sagde kirurgen
"Inden da sagde han Bliv lys" sagde ingeniøren
Men han skabte jorden af kaos, sagde sagføreren.
USA bruger nu ikke rotter men kun advokater til lægelige forsøg
Laboranterne knytter sig ikke så let til advokater
Og det er ikke alt man kan få rotter til.
Desværre er der tvivl om at man kan overføre resultaterne på mennesker.
To nærige advokater tog egen madpakke frem på restaurant.
Tjeneren viste dem et skilt "Her må man ikke spise sin egen medbragte mad"
Straks byttede de skriftkloge madpakker
En sagfører skulle til kongres. Der var ingen hotel at få, undtagen et der
kun tog negre.
Han sv
rtede sit hoved sort og bad om at blive vækket kl 8
På vej derfra prøvede han forgæves at få sværten af. Umuligt. De havde
vækket den forkerte mand.
Hvad kalder man tusind advokater lænket sammen på havets bund? En god
begyndelse.
FRIT EFTER SHAKESPEARE: "The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers
"Henry VI
There are four kinds of murder: criminal, excusable, rightfull and
praiseworthy. This classification serves the lawyers. To the murdered it
makes no difference. Ambrose Bierce
Et par døde ved sammenstød på vej til kirken og spør Sct Peter om de kan
blive gift her i kirken
Det må jeg undersøge, sir han og går ind, og er væk i 3 mdr, og kommer så
tilbage og melder "Jeg har fået arrangeret at det kan lade sig gøre."
Parret: "Ja , nu vi har tænkt over det her med evigt liv og så ægteskab - vi
vil godt være sikre på at vi også kan blive skilt?
Sct Peter farer i flint, vælter bordet og smider sine papirer ud af
vinduet "Det tog mig 3 måneder at finde en præst i himlen - at finde en
advokat bliver endnu sværere."
Jerry is a lawyer and all, so I decided we should send out a joke about
lawyers... So here's two:
==
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight
from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like
to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she
politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot
of fun. He explains: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the
answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa."
Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the
answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you
$50" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the
match.
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no
end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth
to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a
five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill
with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.
He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He
taps into the digital cellphone via infra-red wireless connection to his
modem port and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated,
he sends E-mail to all his co-workers, friends, clients, and suppliers
that he knows. And then some. All to no avail. After over an hour, he
wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50
and turns
away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks,
"Well, so what IS the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5,
and goes back to sleep.
==
Individual Lawyer Jokes
----------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50?
Your honor.
-----------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a lawyer whose gone bad?
Senator.
----------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!
-----------------------------------------------------------
What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!
-----------------------------------------------------------
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.
----------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a dead dog and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.
-----------------------------------------------------------
How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
Depends on how thin you slice them.
----------------------------------------------------------
Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.
----------------------------------------------------------
What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
-----------------------------------------------------------
When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep?
Because down deep, they are all nice guys!!!!
----------------------------------------------------------
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
-----------------------------------------------------------
How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
Shoot him before he hits the water.
-----------------------------------------------------------
What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
-----------------------------------------------------------
What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
There was an empty seat.
-----------------------------------------------------------
How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
Never enough.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Have you heard about the lawyers word processor?
No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.
-----------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a porcupine and two lawyers in a Porsche?
With a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside!
----------------------------------------------------------
What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School?
A lobotomy.
----------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One's a bottom-crawling scum sucker and the other's just a fish.
----------------------------------------------------------
Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
----------------------------------------------------------
What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
From chasing parked ambulances.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Where can you find a good lawyer?
In the cemetery
----------------------------------------------------------
What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
Their personalities.
-----------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
The lawyer charges more.
-----------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.
-----------------------------------------------------------
What is brown and black and looks good on a lawyer?
A doberman.
----------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck
defiance.
-----------------------------------------------------------
How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
----------------------------------------------------------
Why did the post office recall the new lawyer stamps?
Because people could not tell which side to spit on.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to
lawyers?
It's called, Sosumi.
--------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the lawyer from Texas who was so big when he died
that
they
couldn't find a coffin big enough to hold the body?
They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are
walking
down the street together
when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.
A Truck Driver was driving down the highway when
he saw a priest at the side of the Road. He
stopped to pick up the priest and give him a ride.
A ways down the road the Truck Driver saw a lawyer
on the side of the road. He turned the truck on a
direct course with the lawyer. Then he thought
'Oh no, I have a priest in the truck I can't run
down this lawyer' and at the last second the Truck
Driver swerved to miss the lawyer.
But, the Truck Driver heard a thump outside of the
truck, he looked in his rear-view mirror but
didn't see anything.
He turned to the priest and said 'Sorry Father, I
just missed that Lawyer at the side of the road'
And the priest said 'Don't worry son, I got him
with my door'
Et par døde ved sammenstød på vej til kirken og spør Sct Peter om de kan
blive gift her i kirken
Det må jeg undersøge, sir han og går ind, og er væk i 3 mdr, og kommer så
tilbage og melder "Jeg har fået arrangeret at det kan lade sig gøre."
Parret: "Ja , nu vi har tænkt over det her med evigt liv og så ægteskab - vi
vil godt være sikre på at vi også kan blive skilt?
Sct Peter farer i flint, vælter bordet og smider sine papirer ud af vinduet
"Det tog mig 3 måneder at finde en præst i himlen - at finde en advokat
bliver endnu sværere."
"Hvem vil være afbalanceret. At være afbalanceret er overvurderet"
Calista Flockhart som "Ally"(advokat Ally McBeal i TV-serie)
--
Bo Warming
Bjelkes Alle 46, 2200 København N
Tel: 3586 1000, fax: 3586 1001
http://www.glistrup.com