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Congress Votes to Outsource Presidency
May 31, 2007: Washington, DC(AP) --
Congress today announced
that the office of President of the United States of America will be
outsourced to India as of July 1, 2007. The move is being made in
order to save the President's $500,000 yearly salary, and also a record
$521 Billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead that the
office has incurred during the last 5 years. "We believe this is a wise
financial move. The cost savings are huge. " stated Congressman Thomas
Reynolds (R-WA). "We cannot remain competitive on the world stage with
the current level of cash outlay." Reynolds noted.
>>
>>> Mr. Bush was informed by e-mail this morning of his
termination. Preparations for the job move have been underway for some
time.
>>>
>>> Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, Indiawill assume
the office of President as of July 1, 2007. Mr. Singh was born in
theUnited Stateswhile his Indian parents were vacationing atNiagara
Falls,NY, thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a
salary of $320 (USD) a month but no health coverage or other benefits.
>>>
>>> It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job
responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference
between the USandIndia, he will be working primarily at night, when few
offices of the US Government will be open. "Working nights will allow
me to keep my day job at the Dell Computer call center," stated Mr.
Singh in an exclusive interview. "I am excited about this position. I
always hoped I would be President." A Congressional spokesperson noted
that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved
in the office of President, this should not be a problem as President
Bush had never been familiar with the issues either.
>>>
>>> Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to
respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned
responses, he can address common concerns without having to understand
the underlying issue at all. "We know these scripting tools work,"
stated the spokesperson. "President Bush has used them successfully
for years, with the result that some people actually thought he knew
what he was talking about."
>>>
>>> Bush will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until
his final day of employment. Following a two week waiting period, he
will be eligible for $140 a week unemployment for 13 weeks.
Unfortunately he will not be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment
benefits will exceed the allowed limit. Mr. Bush has been provided
with the outplacement services of Manpower, Inc. to help him write a
resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition. According to
Manpower, Mr. Bush may have difficulties in securing a new position due
to a lack of any successful work experience during his lifetime. A
Greeter position at Wal-Mart was suggested due to Bush's extensive
experience at shaking hands, as well as his special smile.
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